Graduation

 

She looks soo grown up!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mike took the day off to be there for her special day!  She was so excited to show off her daddy:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Growing up, my last name started with an “Abe”.  I was ALWAYS the first to be called.  I never had this experience of sitting and waiting to be called.  Poor thing was the last one to be called!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally called!!

So proud of my girl!

 

 

 

 

 

She was happy to spend the day with Pamela.  They are like sisters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ruthie and one of her friend at school.  I think if I pressed she would have called him a boyfriend…but we are totally not ready for that yet!  Boys can be friends just like girls!  No need to label anything.  He did plant her flowers for graduation.

 

 

 

 

 

Afterwards, there was refreshments for everyone to say their goodbyes.  I don’t think the girls fully understand what this means, but we will still do playdates.  It is not goodbye forever

Her parents are in the process of adopting from another country and I have been so blessed by this friendship.  Maeva has been talking about it at school and has really turned Ruthie on to the idea of adopting.  So it has been a great friend for Ruthie to meet and have this year.  God is always working and plants the seeds..even using  5 year olds.

 

And of course, the best of friends!  Even the teachers accommodated this special friendship!    There is a lot of changes to come in the next month for this friendship.  But God is bigger than the miles they will be apart.  I am confident they will still have a special relationship for years to come.

 

After graduation we went to Chic-fil- a for lunch..although i have no pictures, because most of the kids were crabby and ready for naps at this time!!

Then we headed up to Cleveland to go the new aquarium.

It was nice.

BUT

I do not recommend spending your money!  We were in an out within 30 minutes and spend $75.00 for 2 adults and 2 children!!

Crazy!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because we were in and out so quickly, we drove over to Memphis Kiddie Park.

It is a cute little amusement park for kids.  For $25 the girls got to ride all the rides and eat popcorn!  It was much more fun!  Should have just went there to begin with!

 

 

 

 

 

Overall, a successful graduation day!

 

 

My little graduate

My little graduate!  Can you believe it?  I cannot!  Seems like yesterday she was just a baby!  Where has the time gone?  It has gone so quickly…and I think it is only going to continue this way.

She is already qualified and enrolled for Kindergarten.

She has her first gymnastics routine in June.

She will be driving in 10 years.  Dating in 11.  Going off to college in 14.  Yikes!

Time does not stop for parents not ready for their children to grow up!

I try to enjoy the moments.

I had a lady stop me in the park the other day and tell me that she adores this age..every stage actually..then asked if I did.  I was honest and told her “some days”.  She frowned and said “enjoy them she is young. she will not always be so young.”  I smiled and said “I will try”.

After she left, I looked at my friend that was with me and rolled my eyes…bet that lady really enjoyed all of those sleepless nights, poopy diapers, screaming tantrums when she was going through them!

When I look back over the past 5 years there have been some major struggles..but they are outweighed by the enormous amount of pleasure and joy Ruthie has brought into my life.  I totally understand how a undisciplined parent could lose control and shake their baby…i get it.  I totally understand why some mother do not even want to attempt nursing….boy, do I get it.  When I am old, I will look back and see that I did really enjoy Ruthie through all of her stages of development…I just don’t see it yet!!

 

Ever do something that you know is not the right thing..but just don’t care?

Or say something that you know is wrong..but say it anyways?

Or know something is completely unhealthy for you and all of your current relationships..but indulge just the same?

I know these feelings are wrong.

I know these feelings are only hurting me and my relationships.

But..

I. just. don’t. care.

I am bitter.  I am angry.  I am frustrated.

I know these feelings are only eating me up inside.

I know these feelings are only making it harder for me to be nice.

I know these feelings are not healthy.

I know they are hindering my relationship with Mike.

I know they are hindering me from being a good mom.

But.

I cannot seem to let  go.

I cannot seem to move on.

I cannot seem to find the love of God in my heart.

I cannot  see people through the eyes of God.

I cannot or will not..

I am not really sure at this point.

 

 

 

On a lighter side of things

Ok, so I know the last two posts were pretty intense.  Nothing much has changed from that, but I have to say we will survive.

 

Now, on to some bragging.

This little girl is not so little anymore!  She turned 5 in February and is headed to Kindergarten in 4.5 months!

Last week we went to her new school for evaluations and she scored above average!  She was ranked with the 6.5 year olds!

I am not bragging about how well we are doing as parents, but just how smart our little thing is!

I am not much of a reader so we have been very bad parents when it comes to reading to her.

In fact, more often than not I can think of things we are probably completely screwing up!

But she is resilient and she is smart.  She is going to be just fine…no matter how much her parents try to screw her up!!

Anger

I know there are stages of grief.  I do not really feel that I am grieving.  But I am angry, so maybe I am grieving I just don’t know it.  Maybe eventually I will come around to a peace about it all, but I doubt it.  I think I will come to a “Thank God, it’s over. Handled. Done.”

Everyone tells me it is okay for Mike to be angry.  I get that he is supposed to be angry that his dad died.  Angry that he is not here anymore.  That kind of anger is okay.

Me?

I am angry that Dan left us with a mess!

I am angry that Dan didn’t consider his children.

I burn with anger when I think about how a dad once again screwed his son.

I am angry that all the decisions he made make it really hard for me to find one nice thing to say about him.

“He really loved his grandchildren”..did he??  really?  His dying acts do not prove it.

I have to bite my tongue every time Ruthie says she misses her Papa Dan.

I do not.  More often than not I think about all the ways our life will be less complicated in the long run.  No more trashy trailer weekends.  No more smelling like smoke.  No more defending our life, our choices, our daughter’s eating habits.  No more nasty, horrible girlfriend.  No more playing nice.  No more building my husband up because his dad thought it was okay to destroy his character.  No more.

This whole situation is just so…ugh.  I don’t even have the vocabulary to finish that sentence!

I sound like a greedy daughter-in-law.  But that is not it at all.  It is not that I care about the $85K.  It is that the stupid, dumb (finish my word) girlfriend is walking away with it worry free!  He could have left the money to pretty much anyone else…honestly…and I would not care as much as I do that she gets it.  I would even be okay with her getting some of it…but all of it?!  c’mon.  She drove most everyone away.  She made life HORRIBLE for the ones that stuck around because of Dan.  She was around for 6 years.  Mike and Lisa are his kids!  Ruthie, Teagan, and Rowan his blood grandchildren!

She walks away without a care in the world.  We walk into a run down house that needs soo much work to be truly sell-able, a worn out trailer, and two vehicles filled with debt. ~~ vehicle payments, car insurance, house insurance, trailer insurance, property taxes on 2 properties, association dues, lawyer fees  ~~  all of this would be a lot less stressful with that $85K!!

Way to think of your kids Dan.

I am sorry. But this is how I feel.

2 Months

Today marks 2 months since our world changed. 

It is crazy~to me~it feels as if the death happened forever ago.  We have been non stop dealing with the circumstances around this death that I am over-spent.

Mike is go go going and some days bulldozing right over Ruthie and I.  It is like if it doesn’t have anything to deal with the estate than it is not important right now. 

Placed on the back burner.

How long does our life have to be placed on the back burner?

How insensitive does that sound??

Everyone asks how Mike is doing.  No one seems to ask me…which is fine..because what do I say? 

I hate this.

I am trying to be sensitive. But I am tired of being a punching bag?  Tired of talking about stuff. 

I miss my husband.

I miss my family life.

Is that so wrong?!  Somehow I think people would not understand my feelings.  I have both of my parents alive and well…I need to be more sensitive.

The girlfriend moved out of the house.  The house is empty. 

Now begins a whole new list of things to do and again I am tired.  Promises of people helping.  But only on their terms. 

My family life again takes a back seat to everything else. 

At the drop of a hat we have this and this and that to do.

This blows.

Call me insensitive. 

But it does.

 

 

 

Explain this.

How do you explain infertility to a 5 year old?

A 5 year old that speaks her mind without realizing how hurtful she is being?

Apparently, if I do not get pregnant in 70 days she is going to throw me away.  Oh wait, even better, she going to move in with someone who is pregnant.

“It’s not up to me, God has a better plan for us.”

“What is better than a baby??”

“I do not know yet.  We have to wait and see.”

“I do not want to wait. I will just get a new mommy that has babies.”

“I don’t want to wait  either, but we have to..God makes the plan.”

“WELL., that is dumb.  I don’t like it. God is not being nice.”

“God is taking care of us and just because we don’t like something does not mean God is not nice.”

How do I explain to a 5 year old something that I myself fully do not understand?

God, please protect her heart.  Keep it soft toward you.  Give her an explanation that can come only from you.   I know that You are in control and have got this, but I do not know how to explain that to her.  Protect my heart as she explores this new found seemingly injustice situation.

Understand?

I always love to see the exactly how God has had his hand in my life.  It is reassuring that I am not forgotten in this world.  I am reminded that God is in control and He is doing what is best for me in my current life.

A few months ago, I had a break through of peace about the whole infertility struggle.  I still do not understand it.  I still do not like it.  But I have peace about it.  Then February 23rd happened.  Our life has been in a whirlwind since.  One of Mike’s early statements was “pregnancy, adoption, whatever we decide, is on the back burner.”  I knew it would be placed there and rightfully so, but it was much easier to say okay to him because I had peace that God is control.  I have peace that it is not our time for a baby, pregnancy or adoption.

At work, my boss has continually been saying that this year has been his best year so far in the 5 years of business.  This week he has had some health issues that will cause him to be off at least a week or more.  God provided for the business ahead of time, knowing this was going to happen.  He will carry us through this.

We may not understand why we go through what we go through.  We may find out a few months after why we went through it, while other times it will take months~maybe even a life time to understand.  The thing that keeps me going and keeps others like me going is we know that this is not all there is.  Life is a brief moment in the grand scheme of things.  Forever we will be with the Lord and this life will have seemed like a millisecond.  Thank you Jesus!!

I cannot imagine living this life thinking this is it.  That there is no real point to all the hurt and tears in this life.  The idea that we are just aimless here on this earth to be a successful, happy person is an empty life. 

My life is not all roses and sunshine…in fact I do not know anyone who would say their life is. 

There is a lot in my life that I do not understand.  There is a lot in my life that I may never understand this side of Heaven.  But, oh how thankful I am that sometimes God gives me a glimpse…just to let me know, He has got this. 

He has got me. 

1 Month

Yesterday was a month.  Time is crazy fast.  But yet in the moment I feel like it has been forever.

This week things have slowed down a little.  Mike is officially the administrator and there is nothing really to do until the girlfriend moves out in May.  The phone calls have come to a stop.  There is no new information to share or gossip about.  The flowers that decorated my living room have all wilted and been thrown away.  Just the two potted plants remain.  It’s almost like the last 4 weeks have been a horrible dream and now we return back to normal.

At least I have.

My daily life was not influenced necessarily by Dan.  I didn’t make a weekly call to him.  I didn’t get random dirty text jokes from him.  I didn’t even talk to him or see him on a monthly basis.  My attitudes and reactions have never been influenced or compared to him.  He was not my dad.

He was my husband’s dad.

He was my daughter’s Papa Dan.

He was my distant father-in-law.

My heart is still broken for their grief.  My heart still aches to protect their hearts from this sadness.

The road has just begin, especially for Mike.  He has 29 years of history with that man.  The house that claimed both of his parents still needs to be cleaned, sorted, and sold.  There are many more tears to be shed.

Please don’t stop praying for this family.  We are going to need all the strength we can get!  We are the “religious” part in this family.  May our testimony be strong through it all.

Is he going to die?

Ruthie’s little friend at school has been sick for about a week now.  Just the flu, nothing major, just not healthy enough to come to school.

Every night we are praying for him to feel better and every day on the way to school we pray that he is there feeling better.

The other night we were saying our bedtime prayers and after we were done she says

“mommy, is X going to die?”

I said “oh no honey, he is just sick, he will be back before you know it.”

R: but Papa Dan died.

M:  well Papa Dan was really sick

R: and X is not that sick? just a little sick?

 

We may not think she is processing this whole situation, but her little brain is trying to wrap itself around this whole death topic.

I am having a hard time with all of this processing, I cannot imagine what it going through her head.  She has no experience, no real coping skills to deal with this.