Daniel

Daniel, age 57, passed away on February 23, 2012. He was born on June 26, 1954. He was preceded in death by his wife, Susan

Survivors include his daughter, Lisa (Aaron); son, Michael (Sarah) ; four grandchildren, Genevieve, Ruthie, Teagan and Rowan; parents, Donald and Deloris ; sister, Denise (Scott) ; three nieces; and companion, Renee .

In lieu of flowers, memorial donations can be made in his name to nationalmssociety.org.

Seems crazy to sum up ones life in a few sentences.  57 years summed up in a little blurb on the most read section of the paper.  It doesn’t seem like enough.  It doesn’t seem to tell the story.

A life of love.  A life of loss.  A life of happiness.   A life of sorrow.

Summed up, nice and neat.

He is loved by many.

He will be missed by many.

~~~~

hug your children.  tell them how much you love them.  tell them how proud you are.

hug your parents.  tell them how much you love them.  tell them how much they have taught you.

make enough good memories to overshadow the bad ones that are bound to happen in this life.

Junk

I cannot sleep tonight.  We have been dealt some pretty rough news this week and it just keeps coming..and there is no foreseen end in sight.

My stomach is in knots for Mike.  He is trying to be strong.  He is trying to paint this nice picture of his dad and the whole situation that we have been left with.  But its not seemingly too pretty. It’s messy.  It’s complicated.  It is probably going to get messier and more complicated before it is all over.

Mike has tried his hardest to keep the strings of his family together.  I know that I have not always made it easy on him the last 8 years.  My upbringing, my values have made it hard for me to just look past all the differences.  After Ruthie was born, it changed the rules yet again.  Now I was responsible, we were responsible to raise and protect this little girl from the world.

I never would say anything negative to Ruthie about her Papa Dan.  Never.  We would never discuss discontent in front her.  I always said she would one day come to realize what we already knew.   This past summer was the first acknowledgment, but it still was not a huge deal.  We played it off.  It brought back memories for Mike though.  It escalated at Christmas.

Dan and Mike had words. I have never seen Mike stand up to his dad. I was proud of Mike. Fast forward  2 months and it’s haunting me, I cannot help but think that it is my fault he stood up to his dad.  Mike and I were fighting about the situation at hand.  I think the culmination of us fighting and his own personal feelings about the situation escalated to him finally speaking his mind.

But if I would have known what was to come…

I would have kept quiet.  I would have made things easier on Mike.  I would have tried to understand that Dan was his dad and it was one of the few ties Mike had left to his childhood.  I would have tried harder.  I would have tried.

I cannot help but be angry with a dead man.

Why couldn’t he have accepted me?  Why couldn’t he see how happy his son is?  Why couldn’t he tell his son he loved him and that he was proud of him?

Why couldn’t Dan do for us what he wanted from us?  Acceptance.

Dan did exactly what I have wanted Mike to do since we have been married.  Dan chose his girlfriend over his son.  But it doesn’t seem the same.  A girlfriend over your kid is different than a wife over your dad.  We are supposed to leave our mom and dad for our spouse.

A girlfriend over your kid feels like a slap in the face.

I want to be understanding through this.  I don’t want to speak my opinion on the whole situation.  Chances are Mike is internally thinking and feeling the same way.

I want to support.

It is hard for me to sit back.  I have never been known for my quiet spirit, especially when someone I love is being hurt.

God this is hard.  Grant me the quiet spirit.  Help me to support and not hinder my husband during this time.  I want nothing more than to take this pain from him.  I want nothing more than to hold him up.  Lord we are going to have to lean on and trust you.  This is not what we had planned.  But it is what you have willed.

Whirlwind

Our lives are in a whirlwind right now.

They have been flipped and shaken furiously.

My father-in-law passed away Thursday morning.

A relationship that has been strained since Christmas and never really that great.   The things I am feeling I know are not true.  I know they are of the devil, but quietly I am whispering them to myself.  It’s my fault this relationship is strained?   My brain is racing with thoughts and questions.  Does Mike think it’s my fault?  Is it my fault?  Could I have just overlooked things?  I am the Christian, not the doormat.  Should I have been the doormat?

My mother-in-law passed away 10 years ago, 1 year before Mike and I got together.  I never knew her.  I am told I remind many of her.  Which has always made me think that is why they don’t like me.  It was too hard for them to like me without missing her.

My husband and friends are sharing stories of a man I did not know.  The man that took care of his dying wife for years, loving her unconditionally and used to wrestle his kids is not the man that I have known for the last 9 years.  As they share, I cannot help but wonder what happened to that man?   That man would have been an awesome father-in-law.  As I listened I realized that this man had been cut so deeply.  He endured pains no one should have to.  And he endured them without the hope of Jesus.  He carried it all and wouldn’t allow himself the peace and rest we can have in Jesus.  The peace and rest that my husband has.

I am not saying we are not grieving.  I am not saying that Mike is not completely beside himself.  But I am saying we are not alone and we know that.  Mike knows that.  This is not over by long shot.  And there will be many hard days ahead of him/us.  But we are not alone.  Friends are being those tangible hands for my husband.  Relatives are looking past the faults of his father and remembering who he used to be.

The picture being painted before my eyes was a good man.  A loyal man.  A man that really loved his kids when they were young.  A man that taught my husband how to love me to death.  A man that had been hurt and essentially abandoned after the death of his wife.  A man who got lost in this life in the midst of so much pain.

Mike has always said “I wish you knew my dad with my mom”.

It was different.  He was different.

I wish I would have.

I am glad to hear the stories now.

I am glad the pictures are being painted so I can share them with Ruthie.

He was a good grandfather to her and I am happy that she adored him.  She had just recently begun to realize he was different than her other grandparent relationships.  No I will be able to share these stories and she can remember how good he was to her.

She loves her Papa Dan

Acceptance

I feel like a new season is upon me.  I am not sure of the length, so while it is here I want to enjoy it.  It is a season of rest.  It is a season of peace.  This is my life.  Small house.  Loving husband.  ONE child.  of course that is not all my life, but basically sums up all of the things that I have had little peace over the last few years.

This is my acceptance.

I have wanted a Mother’s Ring since Ruthie was born.  But you may as well wait till your done with all your kids.  I didn’t expect to have this secondary infertility.

So we waited.

Last week I went to the shop with every intention on getting a stackable birthstone ring.  There is still a chance of pregnancy.  Lets be clear, we are doing our part

What will be will be.

I placed the stackable ring on my finger and it just didn’t work for me.  Then I saw this style of ring.  My birthstone and hers.

Perfect.

Mom and Daughter.

So we bought it. NO hesitation.

I love it.  It doesn’t make me sad when I look at it.  It makes me happy.  Happy that I one amazing, healthy child.

People have questioned me on this.  Most still think pregnancy will happen.  Let them be hopeful for me.  Me, I am going to accept this for what it is.  I am a mother of one child and that one child will be 5 in a few days and will be grown up before I know it.

All of those spoiled “only child” syndromes may just be her fate after all!

..and I am okay with that!

 

 

Home?

Mike and I have been without a home church for almost a year now.  We have attended several churches in our area and have liked this or that about each one of them…if we could take this childcare from here and pair it with this service and have this group lead worship and…

we haven’t felt home in and it has weighed heavily on me.  Not having a home begs the question of tithe and place in the body of Christ.

We have been going to one church solely for about 3 months.  We like it.  We have tried a small group.  It was good.  We like the childcare, the pastor is fun, the music is good, they have sports, and woman’s ministry.  Overall, the closest we have come to 5 stars.

Friday night the church had a ‘worship night’.  Mike and I were in attendance.  I went with an open mind.  I went expecting God to deal with me.  He dealt with me, but not in the way I thought.  Only a sentence.

You are home, start acting like it

One sentence that untangles and branches out to millions of spider legs.

you are home.

start to give.

start to let your guard down.

start responding in your own style of worship.

start letting people see you.

start.

That is not what I was wanting God to deal with!

I have wanted this for a long time.

This sense of home.

But it scares me.

To be vulnerable again.

No one likes to be vulnerable.

So here we go.  Walking one step at a time in faith.  For all we know is we are home.

Home is safe.

Home is good.