another glitch on this road.

It’s official. I have become the one people look at when someone announces a pregnancy.  They look for my reaction.  Am I happy, mad, ready to burst into tears, looking for the closest exit?  This is a new experience for me in this infertility walk. I am not sure how to deal with it.  I am pretty sure I do not like it…

One of my dear friends called me up a few months ago to see how I was doing.  She checked my emotions and then told me she was pregnant.  I so appreciated her heart for me.  But I am so happy for her and her husband. I think they are a little nuts (they have 18 month old twin girls already   She approached the news with sensitivity, but now she is free to share whatever she wants.  I want to know how she is doing and feeling.  She is having a lot of sickness with this pregnancy, and it sucks..I want…almost need..her to share that with  me.

Another friend is just starting this process of trying for a baby with her husband.  I am so excited for them.  I pray she calls me in a few months to do lunch and she share the great news with me!  She is constantly questioning if it is okay to talk to me about this new journey.   I immediately tell her she is crazy and I would be crushed if she didn’t let me share in the excitement and nervousness of this new chapter in her life!

Another friend, now happily married discusses her “plans” and then apologizes for her insensitivity.  What?  I was married and being with my husband after she would spend the evening crying on the phone over not having a husband!  Where was my sensitivity?!

It boils down to the simple fact that you can be empathetic and take a sensitive approach , but you still have to live your life.

I am finding that the ones that are concerned about me I am genuinely happy and excited for.  I appreciate their heart, but I want them to share.  I need them to not hide their excitement, their fears, their struggles.

I appreciate the sensitivity and the approach.  But then it almost hurts more to know they are hiding their excitement/struggles from me.

Because lets all be clear, pregnancy is full of excitement, but it can be hard, trying, difficult, and scarey. Babies are a wonderful blessing, but wrapped in that bundle is a whole lot of unknown.

Bottom line:

I want sensitivity,  but I don’t want my friends to be afraid to tell me their news.

~~

Just another side note:

When an announcement is made, don’t look to the infertile woman/couple standing in the room.  Let ‘em be.  If the announcement is from a caring and loving friend, chances are she already knew about the pregnancy!  And if somehow it was overlooked, she doesn’t need other people waiting for her reaction!

 

A step

We took a big step tonight.  After 2 years of not being in a small group, we visited a home life group.

All day I prayed the snow would come early so we could cancel and not have to go.

All day I tried to come up with some great reason why we should not go.

The snow waited and no great excuse came, so there we found ourselves amongst 16 strangers and a dozen plus kids.

Ruthie, our little social butterfly, had no problem!  The mom of the house said the kids were in the basement and down Ruthie went without a care!

Mike, the talkative sports lover, had no problem chatting it up with other men in the room.

Me, the introvert, found myself writing variations of this blog in my head!!

I do not like meeting new people.  I do not like crowds. I cannot hear as well as some, so I miss parts of the conversation or across the room comments.

I did my best to keep an open mind.  I do really want to get back into a group.

I do!

Honest.

As I sat in a circle of unfamiliar faces, I couldn’t help but think back to our old group.  We had  a very good group for about 3 years.  It was great.  I do not remember the weird, awkward time frame of getting to know them.   It was a new group that started so we were all new.

Tonight was not the first night for everyone.

Tonight was our first night.

I think we will try it again.  Mike and Ruthie both are looking forward to the next meeting…me..I will eventually get there

It is what it is.

I have a handful of reasons why I feel overwhelmed and burned out right now.  And for every reason I have 2 reasons why I have no business feeling this way.  But it is how I feel just the same.

I want to check myself into a hotel and do nothing but sleep, make lists, take long uninterrupted baths, and untangle my thoughts.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Mike and Ruthie dearly.  I just need a break.  Ruthie is completely independent one minute and completely clingy and insecure the next.  We have had a lot of those clingy, insecure moments as of late.  She is driving me crazy!  I can’t shower alone.  I can’t sleep alone.  I can’t even pee without her walking in.  I could lock the door, but she’d only pound, whine, and scream on the other side of the door.

Today, all I wanted was an hour break.  A hot bath.  I have had a few long days with her and I just wanted to be alone.  She was naked and ready to climb in.  Her and the dog both were in my bathroom starring at me!  Mike took her out, but she only sat on the other side of the door and cried. sobbed.  shoved things under the door.  hit the door. scratched at the door.  whimpered. for an hour.

I wanted to go shopping with a friend..

When did my life become all about her and never about me?  All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  I never realized that I would struggle with my loss of freedom, my independence. (what little I do have)

I am so torn by these types of days.   You see, I do understand how incredibly blessed I am to have her.  Faced with secondary infertility, I totally get how blessed I am to have birthed a child.

But it doesn’t mean this is easy.

It doesn’t mean I don’t need a break.

Right?

I know these years go by fast.  And I know she will not always want to hold my hand in the middle of the night…but, really? every night?  Who cherishes that!?  Honestly!

I need a break so that I can have time to miss her.

I recently took a job with a friend doing computer work, I love it.  It gets me out of the house, away from kids, and at the end of the day,  I want to go home and be with my family.   It’s only one day a week and I am not saying I want to go to work full time, but it is a nice break.

It doesn’t make me a bad mom.

I know this is true.

But what I know, and how I feel have never really agreed in life. 

This idea of what a mom should be like.  I don’t match up.

This idea of what a wife should be like.  I don’t even compare.

This idea of the house and finance. They don’t even come close to connecting.

They are all my ideas.

They are all things I have placed on myself.

No one else.

Me.

So if they are my ideas, my pressures ~ why can’t I just let them go?

Resolutions

Every year on this day people make resolutions.  promises to themselves.  promises to loved ones.  promises to be better.  Think about it. Every new years resolution has to do with bettering yourself, your relationships, or your health.

I do not like resolutions.  But every year  I set goals for myself…Trust me they are totally different!  Last few years have had a rocky start to the new year.  This year hasn’t started off with a life-changing event, but it has started out with a hard lesson that I will never fully be done.

I will never fully be done improving myself.  I will never be at a point in my marriage where I will always do the right thing.  I will never be done improving as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend.  I just won’t.  There will always be more I can learn.

Last year Mike and I took a weekend away.  It was the best thing we have done in a long time for our marriage.  This year we can not/chose not to afford to get away, but we took an afternoon and discussed 2012. Our hopes, dreams…our reality.

Reality that our marriage still needs work and always will.

Reality that this house is small and we need to figure something out.

Reality that we can be better parents, friends, mates.

So many times I think of what is wrong with Mike.  I look past my issues and go straight to his.  It is much easier to say what is wrong with him than to try and work on my issues…

Today I did that again.  I was embarrased, so I made him look bad.  I knew the whole time I was doing it that it was disrespectful and that is the one thing my husband hates.  But just being honest, I did not care in that moment.

Number one goal this year: allow God to get closer to my heart again.  I know if I am right with God I will be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.

We could add more space in this house, get pregnant or make decisions about adoption.  We could read books, go to marriage conferences, lose weight, pay down debts..all of our other goals could be accomplished this year, but if we fail to.  If I fail to get right with God, then I will still be lacking.

I am not saying getting straight with God will make everything fall into place and will make everything peachy keen again.  But it will change my perspective.  I know it will.

So 2012, there is lots to be done this year.  Lets get busy.