Slippery Slope

Have you ever tried climbing up a muddy hill in the pouring down rain?  I imagine it would not be fun.  I imagine it would be frustrating and overwhelming.  I imagine it would suck.  I imagine it would feel kind of like how feel today….

It is how I have felt a lot over this past year.  I feel like I am at the bottom of the deepest, muddiest hill.  Days of sunshine allow me to climb out but then I get knocked back down by an unexpected storm.

I  felt the storm welling up but I had no idea how to avoid it and there is nothing to grab on to  keep from slipping.  I hoped this storm would blow by and not ground me once again.  I had hoped I was strong enough and had gained some ground.  Apparently, I was wrong.  A pity party for one has entered my heart and pretty much stayed there all day.  I don’t know how to stop it.

A few weeks ago, the pastor talked about spiritual attacks and how we are to identify the lie and insert the truth.   It’s not that I cannot tell the difference between the lie.  But…the truth is not what I want to hear.   The truth doesn’t make the ache go away.  The truth for me does not make everyone butt out of my life.  The truth..

The truth is I have given up on getting pregnant.  The truth is most days I have come to be fine with this idea.  The truth is some days I think I would go crazy if we had another baby.   The truth is I want another child.  The truth is our house is too small for us to be allowed to adopt.  The truth is we have too much debt to get out of this house and move somewhere bigger. The truth is I am down right angry that God allows some people to get pregnant..like crack addicts, teenagers..

How is a body fearfully and wonderfully made when it doesn’t produce babies?

I love decorating for Christmas.  I especially love my fireplace..the stockings that hang.  Two red.  One pink.  This year those stockings are mocking me.  I keep thinking there should be one more.  Blue or pink.  At this point I wouldn’t care!  This year Satan has taken the joy and I have allowed him.  That is what sucks…I HAVE ALLOWED HIM!    He has used other people to say mean things.  Some say stuff that possibly would be helpful, but just aren’t.  He has got a tight grip on me this week and I don’t have the energy to fight him off.

And that is what it comes down to..Truth be told, it could be different, but I would have the same feelings about something else. When everything else falls away and the excuses stop..I am left with a broken relationship with the One that has Created me.  That is what it boils down to.

Contentment is not based on a change in my circumstances, rather it is based on a change in me. The willingness to embrace God’s choices.

                                    ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss

God is enough.  Period.  Not God is enough plus another baby.

God is enough.  Period.  Not God is enough plus more money..a bigger house.. 

God is enough.

At least He should be.  That is the goal.  So up the hill we go again, one slippery step at a time.

 

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