Daniel

Daniel, age 57, passed away on February 23, 2012. He was born on June 26, 1954. He was preceded in death by his wife, Susan

Survivors include his daughter, Lisa (Aaron); son, Michael (Sarah) ; four grandchildren, Genevieve, Ruthie, Teagan and Rowan; parents, Donald and Deloris ; sister, Denise (Scott) ; three nieces; and companion, Renee .

In lieu of flowers, memorial donations can be made in his name to nationalmssociety.org.

Seems crazy to sum up ones life in a few sentences.  57 years summed up in a little blurb on the most read section of the paper.  It doesn’t seem like enough.  It doesn’t seem to tell the story.

A life of love.  A life of loss.  A life of happiness.   A life of sorrow.

Summed up, nice and neat.

He is loved by many.

He will be missed by many.

~~~~

hug your children.  tell them how much you love them.  tell them how proud you are.

hug your parents.  tell them how much you love them.  tell them how much they have taught you.

make enough good memories to overshadow the bad ones that are bound to happen in this life.

Junk

I cannot sleep tonight.  We have been dealt some pretty rough news this week and it just keeps coming..and there is no foreseen end in sight.

My stomach is in knots for Mike.  He is trying to be strong.  He is trying to paint this nice picture of his dad and the whole situation that we have been left with.  But its not seemingly too pretty. It’s messy.  It’s complicated.  It is probably going to get messier and more complicated before it is all over.

Mike has tried his hardest to keep the strings of his family together.  I know that I have not always made it easy on him the last 8 years.  My upbringing, my values have made it hard for me to just look past all the differences.  After Ruthie was born, it changed the rules yet again.  Now I was responsible, we were responsible to raise and protect this little girl from the world.

I never would say anything negative to Ruthie about her Papa Dan.  Never.  We would never discuss discontent in front her.  I always said she would one day come to realize what we already knew.   This past summer was the first acknowledgment, but it still was not a huge deal.  We played it off.  It brought back memories for Mike though.  It escalated at Christmas.

Dan and Mike had words. I have never seen Mike stand up to his dad. I was proud of Mike. Fast forward  2 months and it’s haunting me, I cannot help but think that it is my fault he stood up to his dad.  Mike and I were fighting about the situation at hand.  I think the culmination of us fighting and his own personal feelings about the situation escalated to him finally speaking his mind.

But if I would have known what was to come…

I would have kept quiet.  I would have made things easier on Mike.  I would have tried to understand that Dan was his dad and it was one of the few ties Mike had left to his childhood.  I would have tried harder.  I would have tried.

I cannot help but be angry with a dead man.

Why couldn’t he have accepted me?  Why couldn’t he see how happy his son is?  Why couldn’t he tell his son he loved him and that he was proud of him?

Why couldn’t Dan do for us what he wanted from us?  Acceptance.

Dan did exactly what I have wanted Mike to do since we have been married.  Dan chose his girlfriend over his son.  But it doesn’t seem the same.  A girlfriend over your kid is different than a wife over your dad.  We are supposed to leave our mom and dad for our spouse.

A girlfriend over your kid feels like a slap in the face.

I want to be understanding through this.  I don’t want to speak my opinion on the whole situation.  Chances are Mike is internally thinking and feeling the same way.

I want to support.

It is hard for me to sit back.  I have never been known for my quiet spirit, especially when someone I love is being hurt.

God this is hard.  Grant me the quiet spirit.  Help me to support and not hinder my husband during this time.  I want nothing more than to take this pain from him.  I want nothing more than to hold him up.  Lord we are going to have to lean on and trust you.  This is not what we had planned.  But it is what you have willed.

Whirlwind

Our lives are in a whirlwind right now.

They have been flipped and shaken furiously.

My father-in-law passed away Thursday morning.

A relationship that has been strained since Christmas and never really that great.   The things I am feeling I know are not true.  I know they are of the devil, but quietly I am whispering them to myself.  It’s my fault this relationship is strained?   My brain is racing with thoughts and questions.  Does Mike think it’s my fault?  Is it my fault?  Could I have just overlooked things?  I am the Christian, not the doormat.  Should I have been the doormat?

My mother-in-law passed away 10 years ago, 1 year before Mike and I got together.  I never knew her.  I am told I remind many of her.  Which has always made me think that is why they don’t like me.  It was too hard for them to like me without missing her.

My husband and friends are sharing stories of a man I did not know.  The man that took care of his dying wife for years, loving her unconditionally and used to wrestle his kids is not the man that I have known for the last 9 years.  As they share, I cannot help but wonder what happened to that man?   That man would have been an awesome father-in-law.  As I listened I realized that this man had been cut so deeply.  He endured pains no one should have to.  And he endured them without the hope of Jesus.  He carried it all and wouldn’t allow himself the peace and rest we can have in Jesus.  The peace and rest that my husband has.

I am not saying we are not grieving.  I am not saying that Mike is not completely beside himself.  But I am saying we are not alone and we know that.  Mike knows that.  This is not over by long shot.  And there will be many hard days ahead of him/us.  But we are not alone.  Friends are being those tangible hands for my husband.  Relatives are looking past the faults of his father and remembering who he used to be.

The picture being painted before my eyes was a good man.  A loyal man.  A man that really loved his kids when they were young.  A man that taught my husband how to love me to death.  A man that had been hurt and essentially abandoned after the death of his wife.  A man who got lost in this life in the midst of so much pain.

Mike has always said “I wish you knew my dad with my mom”.

It was different.  He was different.

I wish I would have.

I am glad to hear the stories now.

I am glad the pictures are being painted so I can share them with Ruthie.

He was a good grandfather to her and I am happy that she adored him.  She had just recently begun to realize he was different than her other grandparent relationships.  No I will be able to share these stories and she can remember how good he was to her.

She loves her Papa Dan

Acceptance

I feel like a new season is upon me.  I am not sure of the length, so while it is here I want to enjoy it.  It is a season of rest.  It is a season of peace.  This is my life.  Small house.  Loving husband.  ONE child.  of course that is not all my life, but basically sums up all of the things that I have had little peace over the last few years.

This is my acceptance.

I have wanted a Mother’s Ring since Ruthie was born.  But you may as well wait till your done with all your kids.  I didn’t expect to have this secondary infertility.

So we waited.

Last week I went to the shop with every intention on getting a stackable birthstone ring.  There is still a chance of pregnancy.  Lets be clear, we are doing our part

What will be will be.

I placed the stackable ring on my finger and it just didn’t work for me.  Then I saw this style of ring.  My birthstone and hers.

Perfect.

Mom and Daughter.

So we bought it. NO hesitation.

I love it.  It doesn’t make me sad when I look at it.  It makes me happy.  Happy that I one amazing, healthy child.

People have questioned me on this.  Most still think pregnancy will happen.  Let them be hopeful for me.  Me, I am going to accept this for what it is.  I am a mother of one child and that one child will be 5 in a few days and will be grown up before I know it.

All of those spoiled “only child” syndromes may just be her fate after all!

..and I am okay with that!

 

 

Home?

Mike and I have been without a home church for almost a year now.  We have attended several churches in our area and have liked this or that about each one of them…if we could take this childcare from here and pair it with this service and have this group lead worship and…

we haven’t felt home in and it has weighed heavily on me.  Not having a home begs the question of tithe and place in the body of Christ.

We have been going to one church solely for about 3 months.  We like it.  We have tried a small group.  It was good.  We like the childcare, the pastor is fun, the music is good, they have sports, and woman’s ministry.  Overall, the closest we have come to 5 stars.

Friday night the church had a ‘worship night’.  Mike and I were in attendance.  I went with an open mind.  I went expecting God to deal with me.  He dealt with me, but not in the way I thought.  Only a sentence.

You are home, start acting like it

One sentence that untangles and branches out to millions of spider legs.

you are home.

start to give.

start to let your guard down.

start responding in your own style of worship.

start letting people see you.

start.

That is not what I was wanting God to deal with!

I have wanted this for a long time.

This sense of home.

But it scares me.

To be vulnerable again.

No one likes to be vulnerable.

So here we go.  Walking one step at a time in faith.  For all we know is we are home.

Home is safe.

Home is good.

 

 

 

 

another glitch on this road.

It’s official. I have become the one people look at when someone announces a pregnancy.  They look for my reaction.  Am I happy, mad, ready to burst into tears, looking for the closest exit?  This is a new experience for me in this infertility walk. I am not sure how to deal with it.  I am pretty sure I do not like it…

One of my dear friends called me up a few months ago to see how I was doing.  She checked my emotions and then told me she was pregnant.  I so appreciated her heart for me.  But I am so happy for her and her husband. I think they are a little nuts (they have 18 month old twin girls already   She approached the news with sensitivity, but now she is free to share whatever she wants.  I want to know how she is doing and feeling.  She is having a lot of sickness with this pregnancy, and it sucks..I want…almost need..her to share that with  me.

Another friend is just starting this process of trying for a baby with her husband.  I am so excited for them.  I pray she calls me in a few months to do lunch and she share the great news with me!  She is constantly questioning if it is okay to talk to me about this new journey.   I immediately tell her she is crazy and I would be crushed if she didn’t let me share in the excitement and nervousness of this new chapter in her life!

Another friend, now happily married discusses her “plans” and then apologizes for her insensitivity.  What?  I was married and being with my husband after she would spend the evening crying on the phone over not having a husband!  Where was my sensitivity?!

It boils down to the simple fact that you can be empathetic and take a sensitive approach , but you still have to live your life.

I am finding that the ones that are concerned about me I am genuinely happy and excited for.  I appreciate their heart, but I want them to share.  I need them to not hide their excitement, their fears, their struggles.

I appreciate the sensitivity and the approach.  But then it almost hurts more to know they are hiding their excitement/struggles from me.

Because lets all be clear, pregnancy is full of excitement, but it can be hard, trying, difficult, and scarey. Babies are a wonderful blessing, but wrapped in that bundle is a whole lot of unknown.

Bottom line:

I want sensitivity,  but I don’t want my friends to be afraid to tell me their news.

~~

Just another side note:

When an announcement is made, don’t look to the infertile woman/couple standing in the room.  Let ‘em be.  If the announcement is from a caring and loving friend, chances are she already knew about the pregnancy!  And if somehow it was overlooked, she doesn’t need other people waiting for her reaction!

 

A step

We took a big step tonight.  After 2 years of not being in a small group, we visited a home life group.

All day I prayed the snow would come early so we could cancel and not have to go.

All day I tried to come up with some great reason why we should not go.

The snow waited and no great excuse came, so there we found ourselves amongst 16 strangers and a dozen plus kids.

Ruthie, our little social butterfly, had no problem!  The mom of the house said the kids were in the basement and down Ruthie went without a care!

Mike, the talkative sports lover, had no problem chatting it up with other men in the room.

Me, the introvert, found myself writing variations of this blog in my head!!

I do not like meeting new people.  I do not like crowds. I cannot hear as well as some, so I miss parts of the conversation or across the room comments.

I did my best to keep an open mind.  I do really want to get back into a group.

I do!

Honest.

As I sat in a circle of unfamiliar faces, I couldn’t help but think back to our old group.  We had  a very good group for about 3 years.  It was great.  I do not remember the weird, awkward time frame of getting to know them.   It was a new group that started so we were all new.

Tonight was not the first night for everyone.

Tonight was our first night.

I think we will try it again.  Mike and Ruthie both are looking forward to the next meeting…me..I will eventually get there

It is what it is.

I have a handful of reasons why I feel overwhelmed and burned out right now.  And for every reason I have 2 reasons why I have no business feeling this way.  But it is how I feel just the same.

I want to check myself into a hotel and do nothing but sleep, make lists, take long uninterrupted baths, and untangle my thoughts.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Mike and Ruthie dearly.  I just need a break.  Ruthie is completely independent one minute and completely clingy and insecure the next.  We have had a lot of those clingy, insecure moments as of late.  She is driving me crazy!  I can’t shower alone.  I can’t sleep alone.  I can’t even pee without her walking in.  I could lock the door, but she’d only pound, whine, and scream on the other side of the door.

Today, all I wanted was an hour break.  A hot bath.  I have had a few long days with her and I just wanted to be alone.  She was naked and ready to climb in.  Her and the dog both were in my bathroom starring at me!  Mike took her out, but she only sat on the other side of the door and cried. sobbed.  shoved things under the door.  hit the door. scratched at the door.  whimpered. for an hour.

I wanted to go shopping with a friend..

When did my life become all about her and never about me?  All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  I never realized that I would struggle with my loss of freedom, my independence. (what little I do have)

I am so torn by these types of days.   You see, I do understand how incredibly blessed I am to have her.  Faced with secondary infertility, I totally get how blessed I am to have birthed a child.

But it doesn’t mean this is easy.

It doesn’t mean I don’t need a break.

Right?

I know these years go by fast.  And I know she will not always want to hold my hand in the middle of the night…but, really? every night?  Who cherishes that!?  Honestly!

I need a break so that I can have time to miss her.

I recently took a job with a friend doing computer work, I love it.  It gets me out of the house, away from kids, and at the end of the day,  I want to go home and be with my family.   It’s only one day a week and I am not saying I want to go to work full time, but it is a nice break.

It doesn’t make me a bad mom.

I know this is true.

But what I know, and how I feel have never really agreed in life. 

This idea of what a mom should be like.  I don’t match up.

This idea of what a wife should be like.  I don’t even compare.

This idea of the house and finance. They don’t even come close to connecting.

They are all my ideas.

They are all things I have placed on myself.

No one else.

Me.

So if they are my ideas, my pressures ~ why can’t I just let them go?

Resolutions

Every year on this day people make resolutions.  promises to themselves.  promises to loved ones.  promises to be better.  Think about it. Every new years resolution has to do with bettering yourself, your relationships, or your health.

I do not like resolutions.  But every year  I set goals for myself…Trust me they are totally different!  Last few years have had a rocky start to the new year.  This year hasn’t started off with a life-changing event, but it has started out with a hard lesson that I will never fully be done.

I will never fully be done improving myself.  I will never be at a point in my marriage where I will always do the right thing.  I will never be done improving as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend.  I just won’t.  There will always be more I can learn.

Last year Mike and I took a weekend away.  It was the best thing we have done in a long time for our marriage.  This year we can not/chose not to afford to get away, but we took an afternoon and discussed 2012. Our hopes, dreams…our reality.

Reality that our marriage still needs work and always will.

Reality that this house is small and we need to figure something out.

Reality that we can be better parents, friends, mates.

So many times I think of what is wrong with Mike.  I look past my issues and go straight to his.  It is much easier to say what is wrong with him than to try and work on my issues…

Today I did that again.  I was embarrased, so I made him look bad.  I knew the whole time I was doing it that it was disrespectful and that is the one thing my husband hates.  But just being honest, I did not care in that moment.

Number one goal this year: allow God to get closer to my heart again.  I know if I am right with God I will be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.

We could add more space in this house, get pregnant or make decisions about adoption.  We could read books, go to marriage conferences, lose weight, pay down debts..all of our other goals could be accomplished this year, but if we fail to.  If I fail to get right with God, then I will still be lacking.

I am not saying getting straight with God will make everything fall into place and will make everything peachy keen again.  But it will change my perspective.  I know it will.

So 2012, there is lots to be done this year.  Lets get busy.

Riding Ponies

Ruthie has had her first school friend birthday party.  I knew she would be a social butterfly, but it warms my heart that she has found another close friend.  She loves her Anna very much and everyone at school knows they are best friends, but it is nice that they are branching out and making other friends as well.

The little girl’s dad has connections and we were able to go horseback riding at a near by camp!  Despite a minor incident with Zaccheus, Ruthie has not stopped talking about horses!   She loved it!  She giggled with glee as she trotted around the arena!

waiting for instructions

She looked so little up on those big horses!

Mike and I were so proud of her!

She did not even think twice about us hoisting her up there!

Caught while trotting

This is the horse she got thrown from!

Thankfully, it was the miniature horse and not too far off the ground!  We were proud of her, She didn’t cry at all.  She got right back up on one of the big horses and rode off!  I think the man leading the horse was more shook up than Ruthie!

What a fun day we had watching our little girl be such a big girl!

Hard to believe she will be 5 in less than 2 months!