another glitch on this road.

It’s official. I have become the one people look at when someone announces a pregnancy.  They look for my reaction.  Am I happy, mad, ready to burst into tears, looking for the closest exit?  This is a new experience for me in this infertility walk. I am not sure how to deal with it.  I am pretty sure I do not like it…

One of my dear friends called me up a few months ago to see how I was doing.  She checked my emotions and then told me she was pregnant.  I so appreciated her heart for me.  But I am so happy for her and her husband. I think they are a little nuts (they have 18 month old twin girls already   She approached the news with sensitivity, but now she is free to share whatever she wants.  I want to know how she is doing and feeling.  She is having a lot of sickness with this pregnancy, and it sucks..I want…almost need..her to share that with  me.

Another friend is just starting this process of trying for a baby with her husband.  I am so excited for them.  I pray she calls me in a few months to do lunch and she share the great news with me!  She is constantly questioning if it is okay to talk to me about this new journey.   I immediately tell her she is crazy and I would be crushed if she didn’t let me share in the excitement and nervousness of this new chapter in her life!

Another friend, now happily married discusses her “plans” and then apologizes for her insensitivity.  What?  I was married and being with my husband after she would spend the evening crying on the phone over not having a husband!  Where was my sensitivity?!

It boils down to the simple fact that you can be empathetic and take a sensitive approach , but you still have to live your life.

I am finding that the ones that are concerned about me I am genuinely happy and excited for.  I appreciate their heart, but I want them to share.  I need them to not hide their excitement, their fears, their struggles.

I appreciate the sensitivity and the approach.  But then it almost hurts more to know they are hiding their excitement/struggles from me.

Because lets all be clear, pregnancy is full of excitement, but it can be hard, trying, difficult, and scarey. Babies are a wonderful blessing, but wrapped in that bundle is a whole lot of unknown.

Bottom line:

I want sensitivity,  but I don’t want my friends to be afraid to tell me their news.

~~

Just another side note:

When an announcement is made, don’t look to the infertile woman/couple standing in the room.  Let ‘em be.  If the announcement is from a caring and loving friend, chances are she already knew about the pregnancy!  And if somehow it was overlooked, she doesn’t need other people waiting for her reaction!

 

A step

We took a big step tonight.  After 2 years of not being in a small group, we visited a home life group.

All day I prayed the snow would come early so we could cancel and not have to go.

All day I tried to come up with some great reason why we should not go.

The snow waited and no great excuse came, so there we found ourselves amongst 16 strangers and a dozen plus kids.

Ruthie, our little social butterfly, had no problem!  The mom of the house said the kids were in the basement and down Ruthie went without a care!

Mike, the talkative sports lover, had no problem chatting it up with other men in the room.

Me, the introvert, found myself writing variations of this blog in my head!!

I do not like meeting new people.  I do not like crowds. I cannot hear as well as some, so I miss parts of the conversation or across the room comments.

I did my best to keep an open mind.  I do really want to get back into a group.

I do!

Honest.

As I sat in a circle of unfamiliar faces, I couldn’t help but think back to our old group.  We had  a very good group for about 3 years.  It was great.  I do not remember the weird, awkward time frame of getting to know them.   It was a new group that started so we were all new.

Tonight was not the first night for everyone.

Tonight was our first night.

I think we will try it again.  Mike and Ruthie both are looking forward to the next meeting…me..I will eventually get there

It is what it is.

I have a handful of reasons why I feel overwhelmed and burned out right now.  And for every reason I have 2 reasons why I have no business feeling this way.  But it is how I feel just the same.

I want to check myself into a hotel and do nothing but sleep, make lists, take long uninterrupted baths, and untangle my thoughts.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Mike and Ruthie dearly.  I just need a break.  Ruthie is completely independent one minute and completely clingy and insecure the next.  We have had a lot of those clingy, insecure moments as of late.  She is driving me crazy!  I can’t shower alone.  I can’t sleep alone.  I can’t even pee without her walking in.  I could lock the door, but she’d only pound, whine, and scream on the other side of the door.

Today, all I wanted was an hour break.  A hot bath.  I have had a few long days with her and I just wanted to be alone.  She was naked and ready to climb in.  Her and the dog both were in my bathroom starring at me!  Mike took her out, but she only sat on the other side of the door and cried. sobbed.  shoved things under the door.  hit the door. scratched at the door.  whimpered. for an hour.

I wanted to go shopping with a friend..

When did my life become all about her and never about me?  All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  I never realized that I would struggle with my loss of freedom, my independence. (what little I do have)

I am so torn by these types of days.   You see, I do understand how incredibly blessed I am to have her.  Faced with secondary infertility, I totally get how blessed I am to have birthed a child.

But it doesn’t mean this is easy.

It doesn’t mean I don’t need a break.

Right?

I know these years go by fast.  And I know she will not always want to hold my hand in the middle of the night…but, really? every night?  Who cherishes that!?  Honestly!

I need a break so that I can have time to miss her.

I recently took a job with a friend doing computer work, I love it.  It gets me out of the house, away from kids, and at the end of the day,  I want to go home and be with my family.   It’s only one day a week and I am not saying I want to go to work full time, but it is a nice break.

It doesn’t make me a bad mom.

I know this is true.

But what I know, and how I feel have never really agreed in life. 

This idea of what a mom should be like.  I don’t match up.

This idea of what a wife should be like.  I don’t even compare.

This idea of the house and finance. They don’t even come close to connecting.

They are all my ideas.

They are all things I have placed on myself.

No one else.

Me.

So if they are my ideas, my pressures ~ why can’t I just let them go?

 

 

 

 

Resolutions

Every year on this day people make resolutions.  promises to themselves.  promises to loved ones.  promises to be better.  Think about it. Every new years resolution has to do with bettering yourself, your relationships, or your health.

I do not like resolutions.  But every year  I set goals for myself…Trust me they are totally different!  Last few years have had a rocky start to the new year.  This year hasn’t started off with a life-changing event, but it has started out with a hard lesson that I will never fully be done.

I will never fully be done improving myself.  I will never be at a point in my marriage where I will always do the right thing.  I will never be done improving as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend.  I just won’t.  There will always be more I can learn.

Last year Mike and I took a weekend away.  It was the best thing we have done in a long time for our marriage.  This year we can not/chose not to afford to get away, but we took an afternoon and discussed 2012. Our hopes, dreams…our reality.

Reality that our marriage still needs work and always will.

Reality that this house is small and we need to figure something out.

Reality that we can be better parents, friends, mates.

So many times I think of what is wrong with Mike.  I look past my issues and go straight to his.  It is much easier to say what is wrong with him than to try and work on my issues…

Today I did that again.  I was embarrased, so I made him look bad.  I knew the whole time I was doing it that it was disrespectful and that is the one thing my husband hates.  But just being honest, I did not care in that moment.

Number one goal this year: allow God to get closer to my heart again.  I know if I am right with God I will be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.

We could add more space in this house, get pregnant or make decisions about adoption.  We could read books, go to marriage conferences, lose weight, pay down debts..all of our other goals could be accomplished this year, but if we fail to.  If I fail to get right with God, then I will still be lacking.

I am not saying getting straight with God will make everything fall into place and will make everything peachy keen again.  But it will change my perspective.  I know it will.

So 2012, there is lots to be done this year.  Lets get busy.

Riding Ponies

Ruthie has had her first school friend birthday party.  I knew she would be a social butterfly, but it warms my heart that she has found another close friend.  She loves her Anna very much and everyone at school knows they are best friends, but it is nice that they are branching out and making other friends as well.

The little girl’s dad has connections and we were able to go horseback riding at a near by camp!  Despite a minor incident with Zaccheus, Ruthie has not stopped talking about horses!   She loved it!  She giggled with glee as she trotted around the arena!

waiting for instructions

She looked so little up on those big horses!

Mike and I were so proud of her!

She did not even think twice about us hoisting her up there!

Caught while trotting

This is the horse she got thrown from!

Thankfully, it was the miniature horse and not too far off the ground!  We were proud of her, She didn’t cry at all.  She got right back up on one of the big horses and rode off!  I think the man leading the horse was more shook up than Ruthie!

What a fun day we had watching our little girl be such a big girl!

Hard to believe she will be 5 in less than 2 months!

Tree Hunt 2011

It is what we do.  It is a tradition.  No matter how cold.  No matter how snowy, rainy, nasty.  We bundle up.  We ride in a wagon that is made of wood.  We bump up and down on a dirt road that leads to a forest of trees.  Evergreen trees.  In that field is all our hopes and dreams of finding the most perfect imperfect tree to cut down and place in our living room.  The memories are etched in my head.  I have gone since I was little.  My dad and brother used to get annoyed and bored of my mom, sister, and I hunting for the perfect imperfect tree.   When Mike and I started dating he soon learned that this would be one tradition I would fight to keep going.  He quickly understood the frustrations of my brother and father!  You see that perfect imperfect tree had to be decided by all 3 of us females.

The tree couldn’t be too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat, shaped – but not perfectly shaped so as to not have character, needed to have sturdy branches for heavy ornaments, and holes – but not too many.  The perfect imperfect tree.  I remember one year, every tree we found was too perfect for my mom..so after hours, I do mean hours..we headed back up the hill to come back another day, after all it was getting dark.  The owner looked puzzled.  “You didn’t find anything?”  My mom smiled and said “your trees are too perfect”.  He laughed and told us there were some trees that didn’t pass the perfect test and were going to be cut down and burned at the end of the season if we wanted to take a look, said we could have it for $10 if we found one worthy of our hearts.  We went and about half hour later we had our perfect imperfect tree!  (I don’t think he thought we would find one!!)

We didn’t care how long it took us, we didn’t care how snowy it was.  We didn’t care if we were numb from our toes to nose.  The perfect imperfect tree was worth the hunt!  We would take hours.  I do mean hours!  We would mark the trees with gloves, hats, scarfs, and men.  The men typically annoyed would say I am not moving till you decide!  So markers they became.  Once we found the one we then had to find dad, cut it down, then search for all our accessories.  Pretty sure a few years we didn’t find everything!!

The tradition has continued.  It doesn’t take nearly as long, maybe when Ruthie is older she will have more of an opinion..but for now we go, we hunt, we find, we cut.  All done it 2 hours tops!  It is a fun time.  Makes for great memories.  I love it.  Ruthie loves it.  I think Mike tolerates it!   This year we took Cassie and James with us.

 

 

 

It was not horribly cold, rainy, or snowy this year, but we still had fun.

 

 

 

 

 

Our tree was found in the first 10 minutes, but of course we had to walk all the way down each row, just to make sure it is the was infact the one.   Mike was proud that he was the one that found.  He was also very happy it only took us 1 hour

 

 

 

 

 

 

After the great find we head back to the lodge for popcorn and hot chocolate.  I think it is what keeps the kids happy!!

 

 

 

 

Once home we set it up and then typically everyone goes to bed, but because it only took us an hour we had plenty of time and it was such a fun day,  I let the kids and Mike help me decorate it!  We put on some Christmas music, strung the lights, went out and bought more lights, wrapped the garland around and hung the ornaments.

   Lastly, Mike helped Ruthie place the angel on top.Completion.  Our perfect imperfect Christmas tree.These are the memories that will last a lifetime for Ruthie.  I am overwhelmed by the blessings I have in this moment.  Makes the world seems still.  Makes the struggles of daily life worth it.  Makes the internal struggle non-existent.  In the realm of what could be, I am so overly blessed with what God has given me and entrusted in my care!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas

Our Christmas Newsletter this year..

 Merry Christmas
Wow, I cannot believe it is time to write one of these again!!

I have fully decided that the first 3 days of any new year should be skipped!  On January 3rd, Mike was unexpectedly laid off without severance, effective immediately.  It was surly not the way I wanted to start off the new year!!  With mike being 90% of our income, we had no idea what we were going to do!  We knew that the company RED BULL was opening a new warehouse in Solon. (before he simply worked for a distributor that distributed the product).  After 3 looong weeks of not having any idea if they were going to pick him up or not we finally got the call.  What. A. Relief.  He would start the first week in February!  We have many friends who have gone a year plus before landing the next job.  During the layoff, Mike and I learned a lot about our marriage.  We saw it’s strengths and felt it’s weaknesses.  God saw us through each day and for that we are grateful!

So in February, Mike went to work for RED BULL North America.  A company that is NOTHING like the distributor company!  His day starts early, but he gets home waay before dinner time! In November, he won the “Bull of the Month.”  He continually makes his family proud of him!!

Also in February we took a trip to Disney World.  Ruthie turned 4 on Valentines Day and we had been debating and mulling over the decision for awhile.  It was totally a God thing to book the trip 2 weeks before the layoff.  Had we waited till the New Year we would not have gone!  It was a blast and Ruthie was in awe most of the week!  My sister, Heather, was still home from Cambodia so she also went with us.  She was the serious planner!  We would have probably missed out on a lot if she hadn’t done all the research and planning!!

Ruthie’s 1st accomplishment of the summer was pumping her legs on the swing!  Boy, was I happy about this one!  The summer was full of friends, swimming, friends, and more swimming!  Now that it is cold out she is still wanting to swim!!

We also took our first trip to Chicago as a family.  Extended family was gracious enough to put us up for the weekend and be our personal guide tour!  Mike, of course, was very happy to fulfill a life long dream of his…to watch a game at Wrigley Field.  He was like a kid in a candy store that day!  I personally couldn’t tell you if they won or lost that day!

 

 

 

 
In August, Mike’s company had a picnic at Cedar Point.  My little brother ad sister worked very hard all summer and were able to go with us.  It was the first time for all three kids!  It was a different experience for Mike and I ~ the day was no longer about us and our fun, it was about the kids and their fun.  It was a great family day!!

I continue to work from home watching 4 wonderful children plus Ruthie.  I have two 4 days a week and then the sibling group I typically have 2x a week.  I still love it!  I am completely overjoyed that people are willing to pay me to stay in my comfy clothes, not do my hair or make-up, and play all day!  It is seriously the best gig ever!!

September did bring some changes in our schedule, Ruthie started preschool 3 mornings a week.  Mike was able to take the day off and we made it a family event!  She absolutely loves school!  She is doing wonderful and making a lot of new friends!  I have learned to adjust my mornings and we are liking the new schedule…although the snow has yet to fly when I write this…we will see on those cold snowy mornings when I have to dig out my van out just how much I like it!!

My day off falls on one of Ruthie’s school days, so I was really looking forward to having that morning to myself.  That was my plan.  God’s plan was for me to go do office work for a friend 4 hours in the morning.  I have NEVER worked in an “office” environment.  At first it was a challenge, but now I am enjoying it very much!!  It gets me out of the house and away from kids.  It allows Ruthie to go to her best friends house after school.  It gives extra money that is not budgeted every month.  Overall, it has been a nice 4 hour job!

I turned the dreaded 30 this year.  Mike and many of closets friends spoiled me rotten that day!  I am not at all where I thought I would be when I turned 30, but I am right where God wants me!  So I am learning to accept it and trust Him even more!

We hope and pray that all of you are doing well.  We hope that you have a very Merry Christmas.  May we all be reminded of what Christmas really is all about.  We pray that 2012 will be everything you hope for
and more!!

Love,
Mike, Sarah & Ruthie

Merry Christmas Virtual World!  Thank you for listening to my heart throughout the year!  Thank you for the prayers and support through it all!

Slippery Slope

Have you ever tried climbing up a muddy hill in the pouring down rain?  I imagine it would not be fun.  I imagine it would be frustrating and overwhelming.  I imagine it would suck.  I imagine it would feel kind of like how feel today….

It is how I have felt a lot over this past year.  I feel like I am at the bottom of the deepest, muddiest hill.  Days of sunshine allow me to climb out but then I get knocked back down by an unexpected storm.

I  felt the storm welling up but I had no idea how to avoid it and there is nothing to grab on to  keep from slipping.  I hoped this storm would blow by and not ground me once again.  I had hoped I was strong enough and had gained some ground.  Apparently, I was wrong.  A pity party for one has entered my heart and pretty much stayed there all day.  I don’t know how to stop it.

A few weeks ago, the pastor talked about spiritual attacks and how we are to identify the lie and insert the truth.   It’s not that I cannot tell the difference between the lie.  But…the truth is not what I want to hear.   The truth doesn’t make the ache go away.  The truth for me does not make everyone butt out of my life.  The truth..

The truth is I have given up on getting pregnant.  The truth is most days I have come to be fine with this idea.  The truth is some days I think I would go crazy if we had another baby.   The truth is I want another child.  The truth is our house is too small for us to be allowed to adopt.  The truth is we have too much debt to get out of this house and move somewhere bigger. The truth is I am down right angry that God allows some people to get pregnant..like crack addicts, teenagers..

How is a body fearfully and wonderfully made when it doesn’t produce babies?

I love decorating for Christmas.  I especially love my fireplace..the stockings that hang.  Two red.  One pink.  This year those stockings are mocking me.  I keep thinking there should be one more.  Blue or pink.  At this point I wouldn’t care!  This year Satan has taken the joy and I have allowed him.  That is what sucks…I HAVE ALLOWED HIM!    He has used other people to say mean things.  Some say stuff that possibly would be helpful, but just aren’t.  He has got a tight grip on me this week and I don’t have the energy to fight him off.

And that is what it comes down to..Truth be told, it could be different, but I would have the same feelings about something else. When everything else falls away and the excuses stop..I am left with a broken relationship with the One that has Created me.  That is what it boils down to.

Contentment is not based on a change in my circumstances, rather it is based on a change in me. The willingness to embrace God’s choices.

                                    ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss

God is enough.  Period.  Not God is enough plus another baby.

God is enough.  Period.  Not God is enough plus more money..a bigger house.. 

God is enough.

At least He should be.  That is the goal.  So up the hill we go again, one slippery step at a time.

 

The Dreaded 30…

Well, it is official I am old…At least I am the age I thought would be defined as old!  Friday I turned 30.  I have had kind of a love-hate relationship with turning 30.  Most of my friends have already turned 30, so I have already been processing this momentous day.  I have had a little of a rough time with this birthday.  If you have read any of my blogs, I am sure you can guess that I am no where I thought I would be when I turned 30.  But here I am, 30.  One child.  Small house. Debt. Immaturity.  The list could go on.  But I have had this entire year to process this new decade.  I am making plans and goals for this next decade, but under no circumstances am I going to say I will be here, doing this, with this by the time this decade is over!  It  only sets up for disappointment or the sense of failure.  I love my life and you know what this is where GOD wants me..who cares where I thought I was going to be!  I am where I am supposed to be.

My day was amazing!  It started the night before when I joined a group of 12 women going to see the newest “Twilight” movie.  I am not an obsessed fan, but it was soo much fun to be out late, stand in line, and watch the movie in the theater!  So fun!

 

My day continued with two of my dearest friends Kyla and Laura.   They took me to lunch and then to get my hair cut for the first time in a Salon.  It was such a great day!  I think the girls were as excited as I was to be going to the salon!    With my mom being a beautician I have never seen the need to spend money for a haircut, but it was a lot of fun!!  After we got my hair cut off, we went back to Laura’s house and got me all ready for my hot date with Mike!

Laura did my nails, her specialty..french manicure.  And Kyla did an amazing job on my makeup! They worked on me at the same time, so it was “look here, don’t move, look up, look down, stop twitching, quit laughing!”  It was so much fun.  These ladies have become some of my dearest friends over the past few years.  I am so blessed to have these women in my life!

Mike had prepared an evening out for him and I.  I have always wanted to go somewhere a little fancier than the average Olive Garden.  So he made reservations and I was thinking I was in for a night, just the two of us.  Mike is huge on surprises and so I knew I was in for some surprises, but had no idea how much!  I got home from my girls day to a table FULL of roses. ” 30 Roses for his 30 year old wife.”  They are beautiful, I am sorry I do not have a picture of them on here for you!  But trust me, they are gorgeous!  So after that we headed out, in my driveway was surprise two.  Becky and Corey made the drive to eat dinner with us!  I was so excited!  Becky and I had been playing phone tag most of the week so I was really missing her voice, so to see her in my driveway I was elated!

Dinner was in Little Italy.  We got there with no problems and was sent upstairs to be seated...with 10 of my closest friends!  Mike had invited friends to come and celebrate with us.  What a night!  So much fun!  So much laughter.  We had a blast.  Laughter is truly medicine for the soul!  It was one of the best birthdays yet!

I looked around the table at all my friends and I just got that reassurance.  I am where I am because God has placed me here.  I have the friends I have because God has blessed me with them!  I am so blessed!  This group of friends is diverse and exactly what I need in life.

Thank you God, for NOT giving me what I want, but exactly what I NEED!

Here is to the next decade!

Fall (picture update!)

I love fall and all the festivities that come with it!  We had an extremely busy month of October!  Here is a look back at our month!

3 of us moms got the 6 kids together that we love and took them to the local pumpkin patch in Hartville.  I have not been to this place since I was a preschool teacher!  It was fun for all the kids to see the animals, play in the corn, get their face “illegally” painted, pick a pumpkin, ride the train, and slide down the giant slide!   All the kids are finally at an age where doing something like this was not horribly beyond belief stressful, so it was fun to be able to enjoy the day with this many kids!   Of course we couldn’t get a good picture of all the kids looking adorable all at the same time!

Ruthie was very proud of her pumpkin   Every year she gets more and more picky about which one she will take home with her.  It is sometimes very hard for this momma to let her pick!!

 

 

 

 

For the 4th year in a row we have gone to Ramsyer Farms.  I simply love this place!   I plan on going to this place every fall for as long as we live in NE Ohio and it is open!  It is simply my favorite place to go in the fall!  I have a picture of Ruthie standing by this sign every year since she was 8 months old!   Every year we invite friends to go and share the fun with us.  This year we had a lot of fun with the newlyweds Becky and Corey.  Kerri.  The Krstolics. and the Guys, who sadly is the last year for at least 3 years they will be able to join us.  The weather was a little ify but all in all it was a great day!

Kerri, Becky, and I enjoyed the adult size rocking horses

 

 

 

 

 

 

They added a little race track for kids, Ruthie LOVED it, she went around numerous times!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And of course the boys had to play as well!  Mike and Corey got their cars tangled up..not sure if it was a fair win for Mike, but he thinks so!

I cannot wait to see what is new next year!

 

 

 

 

Ruthie had her first field trip in Preschool.  Mike was excited to be on vacation that week!  Even though it was cold, we had a fun day! 

 

 

 

This is one of  Ruthie’s new friends at school, I am so happy she is making friends!

 

Cassie and James were also able to join us for the field trip!  It was a cold, windy day, but we still had fun!  Her first field trip was a family success!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ruthie had her Halloween Party at Preschool.  I am so blessed to be able to attend parties and things like this with no job related issues!

 

Ruthie absolutely loves her teachers and enjoys the time that she is there.  I am so glad that she is liking school more and more every day!  Those first few weeks I was worried about her!

 

Of course we did a little trick or treating. 

And

The Guy Family had us over for a Halloween Party, we went as the M&M family.  I was dark chocolate and Mike was white chocolate, so of course Ruthie was a mixture of white and dark!

 

I cannot believe that October is coming to an end!  This year has gone by incredibly fast!